I don't know Adam Yauch. Most of us don't. We know he was a Beastie Boy and he died today of cancer. What I do know is the emotional nerve is triggered down memory lane. In an instant I am saddened for Adam, his family, his friends and his fans. Age 47 is a decade or so away for me. I've lined up at races and seen 47 year old women and men fit and leave me in the dust. 47 is simply too soon to depart this life.
Within moments after I saw this picture I became angry. This is not the 47 year old Beastie Boy we knew. I can see where cancer has strained his energy and spirit. Cancer is present and while I cannot fathom the pain and anguish he was feeling I know that cancer strains us all. I am angry because I watched my very young aunt lay in coma struggling to hold onto life. Machines were her lifeline and she was rapidly losing her battle. The strong, young, fighter of woman I know was no more. Her frail body laid disappearing day by day. In my thirteen years I had never been angrier. I was angry at the doctors, angry at the hospital, angry at God, angry at cancer and even angry at her. I was angry at something I could not physically touch and fight.
I've tried to make peace with cancer and not let get the best of me. I am grateful for my Nannie to see almost 97 after breast and throat cancer. I've learned to accept the disease and even thought well it can't be that bad right? Plenty of people survive. Today, I have no mission or agenda to fight cancer. I simply want to be at peace with it. I do not want it to continue to eat at me. Recently, the anniversary of what would have been my aunt's 50th birthday passed and I was beyond sad. Instantly, I would all the little things in life seemed non-existent and I wish for nothing more for her to call me up and ask me to come to her party. I felt robbed of celebrating her life. Like who can you complain to? I realized you simply cannot. I felt her presence and I was beyond grateful. All of a sudden I realized I have so much. I am here, surpassed her age of death and I there are so many gifts surrounding me. I cannot let the pain and sorrow eat at me because there's too much good to go around. I don't even know if I'm making sense or if I can truly understand and relay it all. All I know is cancer sucks and life is here now. Grab it while you got it.
Rest in peace to every person who has perished because of cancer. Your spirits live on within us all.
Love you Neicy.
Friday, May 04, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
I tend to not blog much. This is still a diary of a Mad Fat Woman and I'm still mad and fat. Today, I visit on a special day, February 11th. Every year, I celebrate the official day of my Weight Watcher's anniversary which was the foundation for my weight loss and healthy lifestyle.
Originally gifted by my mother in 2004 at Christmas, I was supposed to join Weight Watchers like the other resolutioners in January. Instead, I sat for over a month and dreaded the member registration. I tried not to look but the all-business like elderly lady informed me my weight was 199 and here is my booklet. Just like that I left and couldn't wait to get home to wallow in self pity. I wonder how many women across American leave Weight Watcher's only to go home in tears. I would have probably paid for a therapist that day but like many occasions in my life disappointment was nothing new and I dealt with it on my own. I should have been proud as I had lost 25lbs during the following two years on my own but at the time I felt like my entire life closed in on me.
(Highest weight 224lbs in 2003 TOP
Weight Watcher's weight 199lbs in 2005 BOTTOM)
Fast forward to 2012, I lost almost 50lbs since then, plateau'd (stayed about this on average see pic below in raspberry dress)
and then regained almost 30lbs back. Way to go right? So I learned a very difficult lesson, basically it sucks to lose weight and then gain any of it back. Like IT REALLY SUCKS TO LOSE WEIGHT AND GAIN IT BACK. After many episodes of gym and running burn out and not losing like I should I knew I needed a different approach.
(No this is not an old before pic this was last year in 2011. Look I can't even look at the camera so humiliated)
I needed to get my diet in check. I've always been extremely committed to my workouts so I knew I should focus on my diet and figure that out. Once I contributed 100 percent of me to my diet I succeeded in losing my "regained weight" within the last year. I felt normal and relieved but also highly disappointed in myself. I feared I could fail again. In fact the fear has increased intensely. But before I visit fear I will state the positives. I did quit drinking tremendously and cut down drastically on fast food. This is good for my wallet and my waist. I pay attention to the ingredients in food and more selective attempting to reduce as many additives and preservatives as possible. I'm not scared to lift heavy and hard. My skin has cleared up and my energy levels have increased.
Now back to fear. Fear is a funny word that can make us or break us but we have to know the right amount of fear. Fear can keep us in check. For instance I fear the scale. The scale has caused meltdowns. I am currently working on breaking my fear and negative association with the scale. Ultimately, where I am today is trying to balance fear. I have realized the fear associated with gaining weight has made me manic and compulsive, especially over the last year. I fear eating in front of others based on opinions for instance if someone were going to say, "I thought you are on a diet" and the same goes for facebook. I have decided not to post some pictures for the simple fact I feel like someone is going to criticize my food and tell me I should not be eating that if I want to be skinny. In a sense I have created a monster. Food has affected my relationships. I don't like hanging out with friends because I know it will tempt me into cheating and break me away from my diet protocol. My relationship has suffered with my boyfriend. He doesn't know when to help and when to back off. Ultimately, my relationship with myself and food has declined to the point of obsessive compulsive. I am constantly depressed worrying about being Fat. In fact I wake up some days feeling like that 200lb girl and have to look in the mirror. At times I look in the mirror and wonder if its playing tricks on me. I even ask my boyfriend if he is seeing what I am seeing. Some may read and think what I'm saying is absurd but it's true. I drive myself crazy counting calories, weighing food, planning meals, grocery shopping, deciding how and what to eat out, trying to control hunger and temptations that now it is to the point of insanity. Yes, I have cried in restaurants.
(This is when I feel like She-Ra. I feel sexy, fit and proud.)
(Feb 11, 2012 . No I didn't gain any weight just not exactly happy...exhausted been under the weather not much gym time, not feeling sexy or fit. I'm not in the mood to flex or suck it in. )
I fear I will never get to goal and I'm exhausted. I spend hours late at night reading on diet and nutrition, figuring out protein counts, calorie cycling/zig-zagging, workouts, temporary diets that somehow end with a meltdown here and there sometimes followed by a binge. Seven years later I'm still at war with my body. I mean no one should have to live in an emotional battlefield with food and their head. I analyze every body part. I will spare you the physical description (over critical analysis) of every body part I hate. The only positive that helps me see over the horizon is that I have come a long way. Losing weight is a journey and an emotional roller coaster. I have to save those dread old pictures and remind myself every day is progress whether it is a step forward or backward. I just have to remember to keep moving and try to stay on course as much as possible. There is no easy fix and I know I will just have to take it step by step. Thanks for reading and I'm hoping for a successful healthy happy year!
"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."
~ Maya Angelou