Friday, May 04, 2012

Why Cancer eats away at us All.

I don't know Adam Yauch. Most of us don't. We know he was a Beastie Boy and he died today of cancer. What I do know is the emotional nerve is triggered down memory lane. In an instant I am saddened for Adam, his family, his friends and his fans. Age 47 is a decade or so away for me. I've lined up at races and seen 47 year old women and men fit and leave me in the dust. 47 is simply too soon to depart this life.

Within moments after I saw this picture I became angry. This is not the 47 year old Beastie Boy we knew. I can see where cancer has strained his energy and spirit. Cancer is present and while I cannot fathom the pain and anguish he was feeling I know that cancer strains us all. I am angry because I watched my very young aunt lay in coma struggling to hold onto life. Machines were her lifeline and she was rapidly losing her battle. The strong, young, fighter of woman I know was no more. Her frail body laid disappearing day by day. In my thirteen years I had never been angrier. I was angry at the doctors, angry at the hospital, angry at God, angry at cancer and even angry at her. I was angry at something I could not physically touch and fight.

 I've tried to make peace with cancer and not let get the best of me. I am grateful for my Nannie to see almost 97 after breast and throat cancer. I've learned to accept the disease and even thought well it can't be that bad right? Plenty of people survive. Today, I have no mission or agenda to fight cancer. I simply want to be at peace with it. I do not want it to continue to eat at me. Recently, the anniversary of what would have been my aunt's 50th birthday passed and I was beyond sad. Instantly, I would all the little things in life seemed non-existent and I wish for nothing more for her to call me up and ask me to come to her party. I felt robbed of celebrating her life. Like who can you complain to? I realized you simply cannot. I felt her presence and I was beyond grateful. All of a sudden I realized I have so much. I am here, surpassed her age of death and I there are so many gifts surrounding me. I cannot let the pain and sorrow eat at me because there's too much good to go around. I don't even know if I'm making sense or if I can truly understand and relay it all. All I know is cancer sucks and life is here now. Grab it while you got it.

Rest in peace to every person who has perished because of cancer. Your spirits live on within us all.

Love you Neicy.