Chewing on Empty Calories...

Its 10:44am and I’m incessantly chomping down on my gum typing 90 mph. All I know at this moment in time is my gum is rapidly becoming stale, I’m irritated and I want to shoot myself in the foot for where I am today. Most days I’m pretty happy where I am in life. Despite all my challenges and missed opportunities I am grateful for the person I am today. I still have much to accomplish and become. However, I’m exhausting myself thinking about how much I just didn't do or perhaps simply fucked up in my 20’s. I know hindsight is 20/20 and it’s keeping your eyes on the prize that matters.

I just resent wasted time. I resent not trying harder in school and finding a better job. I resent my demons that taxed so much of my mind and body that there is an ongoing extensive rehab project. I should have saved more. I should have learned more. I should have worked more. I should have loved more. My quarter-life crisis grew into a full-fledged kindergartner and then one day it just simply missed the bus. As abruptly as those days were over I discovered a new compounding cluster of obscurity emerged.  I think I found myself moving forward through a continuous haboob. Luckily, much has cleared up but somewhere near is the clarity I’m so eagerly searching for now.

Through much of my resentment and hindsight I found passion again. I realized the power of passion and how greatly it impacts our existence. I came to his write this blog to seek clarity and calmness. The key strike is slower and lighter. I need to stop existing to get through the days, but instead fuel my passion to create powerful days com-busting with love, positivity, compassion and purpose. I figure my existence on this earth is validated by one single act a day; if I can help or make one person smile the validity of my purpose is solidified. I've simplified it to those terms and I think it works. 

Starting each day with a simplistic positive attitude enriches the rest of our day.  I've learned the recipe for happiness in life is truly about making the most of one day at a time and helping one person at a time. Michael Jackson did leave us one of the powerful messages before his early departure to start with the man in the mirror and make that change. I know the song is so cliche but speaks volumes of truth. It starts from within and ripples outward. The universe knew what it was doing when energy was created. I truly believe in the law of attraction: what you put out will multiply when it comes back to you. Catch a ripple and pass it on. In fact ride the ripple and you’ll find yourself surfing bigger waves of positivity and happiness.

Happy FATanniversary!

We must celebrate our past of victories and success in life no matter how big or small the feat. I've been celebrating my weight loss/lifestyle change since 2005. I walked into a Columbus, Ohio Weight Watchers on February 11, 2005. My mother had offered to pay to get me started. She had wanted me to start right after the new year but I couldn't dare deal with all those women lined up like a Christmas shopping rush ready to lose weight. I waited until the dust settled. Week by week my mother urged me to go. I went on a Tuesday and ran out crying but determined. I wasn't my heaviest but I was obese and it hurt, literally.

Every year I celebrate in my own little way. All year long I realize I beat myself up and I am truly my own critic. It takes me looking at my before picture to really put things in perspective. Today, I made myself up putting on my most expensive red lipstick (MAC) and took my time looking at myself in the mirror not once criticizing the woman staring me back. I thought I would lose weight and be done with that part of my life and that's it. I've found that's not the case and it's a lifestyle change and it takes work and I'm nowhere done. I've got so much to do.

If I could tell my 27 year old self what to expect I would tell her what I tell everyone so...
I'll compile a list:

• Starting is the hardest part. 
• Fear will cripple and destroy you. Fear nothing. 
• My grandmother had in her classroom, "If at first you don't succeed...try try try again."
• Always have a GOAL, A PLAN, A BACKUP PLAN AND WILLPOWER.
• It won't be easy. Giving up is harder. 
• Don't expect change overnight. 
• Expect to fall down. Get back up. 
• There will be bad days. They are necessary. 
• Love yourself no matter. 
• People will critique you and call you names. 
• People will EXPECT you to FAIL. 
• You can do it on your own. 
• Keep running. It will get easier. 
• Keep running. Get a good sports bra. You will run half marathons. You will run faster than you did as a kid. 
• Failure is not an option.
• Take your health seriously like it's your job. 
• You are the only person holding you back from achieving your goals. 
• There are NO EXCUSES. 
• YOU are never finished. 
• YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. 

I lost two extraordinary women growing up. They barely made it to my current age. My cousin dropped dead of an enlarged heart. I wonder if she would have taken better care of herself and taken her health seriously would she still be here today to see her grandchildren?

I value my time here on earth and how I'm still here so I need to honor my health. So, if I could comfort myself back on February 11, 2005, I would sit next to me in the car hand over some tissues and simply say, "DON'T STOP." 

Why Cancer eats away at us All.

I don't know Adam Yauch. Most of us don't. We know he was a Beastie Boy and he died today of cancer. What I do know is the emotional nerve is triggered down memory lane. In an instant I am saddened for Adam, his family, his friends and his fans. Age 47 is a decade or so away for me. I've lined up at races and seen 47 year old women and men fit and leave me in the dust. 47 is simply too soon to depart this life.

Within moments after I saw this picture I became angry. This is not the 47 year old Beastie Boy we knew. I can see where cancer has strained his energy and spirit. Cancer is present and while I cannot fathom the pain and anguish he was feeling I know that cancer strains us all. I am angry because I watched my very young aunt lay in coma struggling to hold onto life. Machines were her lifeline and she was rapidly losing her battle. The strong, young, fighter of woman I know was no more. Her frail body laid disappearing day by day. In my thirteen years I had never been angrier. I was angry at the doctors, angry at the hospital, angry at God, angry at cancer and even angry at her. I was angry at something I could not physically touch and fight.

 I've tried to make peace with cancer and not let get the best of me. I am grateful for my Nannie to see almost 97 after breast and throat cancer. I've learned to accept the disease and even thought well it can't be that bad right? Plenty of people survive. Today, I have no mission or agenda to fight cancer. I simply want to be at peace with it. I do not want it to continue to eat at me. Recently, the anniversary of what would have been my aunt's 50th birthday passed and I was beyond sad. Instantly, I would all the little things in life seemed non-existent and I wish for nothing more for her to call me up and ask me to come to her party. I felt robbed of celebrating her life. Like who can you complain to? I realized you simply cannot. I felt her presence and I was beyond grateful. All of a sudden I realized I have so much. I am here, surpassed her age of death and I there are so many gifts surrounding me. I cannot let the pain and sorrow eat at me because there's too much good to go around. I don't even know if I'm making sense or if I can truly understand and relay it all. All I know is cancer sucks and life is here now. Grab it while you got it.

Rest in peace to every person who has perished because of cancer. Your spirits live on within us all.

Love you Neicy.

The Anniversary of Weighing in My Life

I tend to not blog much. This is still a diary of a Mad Fat Woman and I'm still mad and fat. Today, I visit on a special day, February 11th. Every year, I celebrate the official day of my Weight Watcher's anniversary which was the foundation for my weight loss and healthy lifestyle.

Originally gifted by my mother in 2004 at Christmas, I was supposed to join Weight Watchers like the other resolutioners in January. Instead, I sat for over a month and dreaded the member registration. I tried not to look but the all-business like elderly lady informed me my weight was 199 and here is my booklet. Just like that I left and couldn't wait to get home to wallow in self pity. I wonder how many women across American leave Weight Watcher's only to go home in tears. I would have probably paid for a therapist that day but like many occasions in my life disappointment was nothing new and I dealt with it on my own. I should have been proud as I had lost 25lbs during the following two years on my own but at the time I felt like my entire life closed in on me.

(Highest weight 224lbs in 2003 TOP

Weight Watcher's weight 199lbs in 2005 BOTTOM)

Fast forward to 2012, I lost almost 50lbs since then, plateau'd (stayed about this on average see pic below in raspberry dress)

and then regained almost 30lbs back. Way to go right? So I learned a very difficult lesson, basically it sucks to lose weight and then gain any of it back. Like IT REALLY SUCKS TO LOSE WEIGHT AND GAIN IT BACK. After many episodes of gym and running burn out and not losing like I should I knew I needed a different approach.

(No this is not an old before pic this was last year in 2011. Look I can't even look at the camera so humiliated)

I needed to get my diet in check. I've always been extremely committed to my workouts so I knew I should focus on my diet and figure that out. Once I contributed 100 percent of me to my diet I succeeded in losing my "regained weight" within the last year. I felt normal and relieved but also highly disappointed in myself. I feared I could fail again. In fact the fear has increased intensely. But before I visit fear I will state the positives. I did quit drinking tremendously and cut down drastically on fast food. This is good for my wallet and my waist. I pay attention to the ingredients in food and more selective attempting to reduce as many additives and preservatives as possible. I'm not scared to lift heavy and hard. My skin has cleared up and my energy levels have increased.

Now back to fear. Fear is a funny word that can make us or break us but we have to know the right amount of fear. Fear can keep us in check. For instance I fear the scale. The scale has caused meltdowns. I am currently working on breaking my fear and negative association with the scale. Ultimately, where I am today is trying to balance fear. I have realized the fear associated with gaining weight has made me manic and compulsive, especially over the last year. I fear eating in front of others based on opinions for instance if someone were going to say, "I thought you are on a diet" and the same goes for facebook. I have decided not to post some pictures for the simple fact I feel like someone is going to criticize my food and tell me I should not be eating that if I want to be skinny. In a sense I have created a monster. Food has affected my relationships. I don't like hanging out with friends because I know it will tempt me into cheating and break me away from my diet protocol. My relationship has suffered with my boyfriend. He doesn't know when to help and when to back off. Ultimately, my relationship with myself and food has declined to the point of obsessive compulsive. I am constantly depressed worrying about being Fat. In fact I wake up some days feeling like that 200lb girl and have to look in the mirror. At times I look in the mirror and wonder if its playing tricks on me. I even ask my boyfriend if he is seeing what I am seeing. Some may read and think what I'm saying is absurd but it's true. I drive myself crazy counting calories, weighing food, planning meals, grocery shopping, deciding how and what to eat out, trying to control hunger and temptations that now it is to the point of insanity. Yes, I have cried in restaurants.

(This is when I feel like She-Ra. I feel sexy, fit and proud.)

(Feb 11, 2012 . No I didn't gain any weight just not exactly happy...exhausted been under the weather not much gym time, not feeling sexy or fit. I'm not in the mood to flex or suck it in. )

I fear I will never get to goal and I'm exhausted. I spend hours late at night reading on diet and nutrition, figuring out protein counts, calorie cycling/zig-zagging, workouts, temporary diets that somehow end with a meltdown here and there sometimes followed by a binge. Seven years later I'm still at war with my body. I mean no one should have to live in an emotional battlefield with food and their head. I analyze every body part. I will spare you the physical description (over critical analysis) of every body part I hate. The only positive that helps me see over the horizon is that I have come a long way. Losing weight is a journey and an emotional roller coaster. I have to save those dread old pictures and remind myself every day is progress whether it is a step forward or backward. I just have to remember to keep moving and try to stay on course as much as possible. There is no easy fix and I know I will just have to take it step by step. Thanks for reading and I'm hoping for a successful healthy happy year!

"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."

~ Maya Angelou

100 pound challenge!!!

Here is what 100 lbs of FAT looks like! Gross huh?

I've been on my quest to lose weight all my life but it wasn't until I joined Weight Watchers, again in 2005, that I really changed my life and attitude about my health.

The short and sweet of it I had a goal, well many goals along the way for self improvement, to lose weight and get to 130lbs, my Weight Watchers goal. Well, once I started getting closer I said oh heck let's go for 120 and call it an even 100. If I get to my goal I it will probably be closer to a 150lb challenge since I've gained and lost the same pounds over and over again.

I'm always searching for motivation to get me through my journey. I'm up and down on the scale and sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my mind but what keeps me focused is three numbers: 120. My eye is on the prize at 120 and when I get there I will feel like I accomplished my goal. Ultimately, it's more than the numbers but about my journey. My journey has taught me strength, determination, perseverance, and discipline. I've learned more from my journey than any class I've taken. I'll get there, but in the meantime its me and my journey.

“It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.”

Ursula K. LeGuin

Take a journey within yourself. It's the best trip you'll ever take!

100 miles Catch me if You Can!!!

And just around the corner are the holidays aka "endless treats" aka "food comas" aka "laziness" so I know I'm not the only one wanting to combat holiday gain.
So here's a challenge. 100 miles! Catch me if you can!



The person who runs or walks the most miles (over 25 miles) between now and Dec. 15th wins a FREE gourmet dinner made by moi! And a healthy gourmet dinner. If anyone can run at least half the miles at 50 then winner gets a meal or a $25. If no one does anything I just run, eat my meal and keep my gift card. LOL

I know this sounds absolutely cheesy but I always feel like I'm running or working out by myself!! Trying to switch things up here and I need to get some of my recent weight gain off!

So consider me the closet thing to Oprah and you win a free home made dinner! I'm sure no one else is offering you a FREE MEAL for exercise!

Alright who is in?!

Running into Walls

"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure." ~ Colin Powell

So it's been a while since I've blogged and I'm trying to figure out the key to success in losing weight or rather key to not fail by gaining weight. One in the same? I was beyond frustrated after training for my first half marathon and not losing significant weight. I felt as thought I should have lost about 25lbs. I lost maybe 10. After 5 months of an average of 3 hour workout days I caught a burn out. Big time! I was working out the equivalent of a part time job. I thought I could be my own little big loser and just workout all day long and lose the rest of my weight and become 10 lbs away from unlocking my weight watchers lock.

And no I proved myself wrong. While I drastically improved my running and built up stamina I still resembled the same chubby image I've been staring at since the 90's. I should be proud since I couldn't even run a mile in the physical test in high school. I guess I'm still proud and no one can take that away from me. But I don't look like runner. Over the summer I said something that I would have ran the rest of the way but it's too hot and some guy said he didn't think couldn't run around the block and laughed. Really I ran about 400 miles in 6 months but I couldn't run around the block? I guess it shouldn't matter what others say but I felt as thought I still look like failure. And then there's my friends who lose 10lbs and barely try. Seriously?! Was I born cursed?

I started my weight loss journey five years ago and while I have not gained it all back, I have gained back around 20lbs. Which has been my highest weight gain. Usually I gain and lose about the same 10-15lbs every year and torture myself with gym addictions, dieting and utilizing my weight watchers key learnings. I dread going home because I'm always sized up like either a prized beauty queen or fat kid who failed at fat camp. This past 6 months I started traveling and just didn't have the time to invest or energy in my usual 2 hour gym workouts. And trust me anyone would get tired eating salads everyday or sometimes salads were not an option. I still ran and hit up a few hotel gyms but not my usual routine. After my first 6months of the year with my biggest loser challenge and half marathon training failed my expectations I have seriously lost motivation and determination. I mean would you want a part time job working out and not getting paid? Like seriously what the hell do I have to do to get to a healthy average weight where I don't look chunky?!

I vowed to never be a pound over 200lbs ever again or have to buy another size up wardrobe and I'm still committed. Don't get me wrong I limit my fast food and I love eating healthy. Not all fat people eat junk. We cook healthy and work out. Just ask any friend I cook for. I crave veggies and I hate greasy oil foods with the exception of McDonald's french fries which I blame on childhood addiction. Once ingested at an early age it's a lifelong addiction....ok kidding lol. Sweets are my weakness and a struggle!

I don't know why my weight plagues my sanity and the key to my happiness? I know I shouldn't let it but I still feel like that chubby girl in high school not sure how to run a mile and fearing a grade of failure. Will I ever make the grade and be happy with it?