Trail of Tears & Victory

“The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”
John Bingham

It's been a long run and climb to the finish line. I don't know at what point in my life I conceived the idea that I, not-the-athlete-but-the-very-big-boned-thick-girl, could ever run a half marathon. For most of my life running a mile in gym class was considered pure punishment and I never ran it. I started running in college, lost some weight and was side swiped by a car on my neighborhood run. I stopped running and let my accident be my excuse to not work out or run for a while. Of course I also gave myself a pass for life's buffet of food and alcohol. Finally, a few years after college I decided I need to upgrade from a couch potato to an active gym user. And we know what happened at this point...simple math...too much food + too little exercise = FAT.

I'd watch runners in pure envy and curiosity. Their stride seemed as if they were running with the wind - almost pure effortless. I would try every now and then and couldn't understand why I wasn't running with the wind. I wanted to run with the wind and look light as a feather. My curiosity peaked and I would read up on how to run and try to jog on the treadmill. I always felt like an instant failure and everyone was watching me. Embarrassed I wouldn't feel comfortable attempting running until I was at a lower weight. Not to mention one day I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the treadmill and it looked like my boobs were separate from my body...gravity was NOT in my favor. I was always in pain and knew I need to lose weight in order to run like a runner.

I had the bright idea back in 2003 I could run a 5k. I enlisted my friend Anita to run with me in December at the gym. At this point my stamina increased and I would jog a few minutes and then walk so somehow I thought I could just go and do it. Needless to say my plight ended in pain and sheer embarrassment. I barely finished after a hour and half of heavy breathing, leg & stomach cramps and dizziness. I was devastated. I told myself I'd never be an accomplished runner. I might be able one day be able to go and jog here and there but never would call myself a runner.


It wasn't until almost 70 pounds lost that I was able to start a decent regiment. I was no longer a couch potato but a gym rat. It all started with my first pair of Brooks four years ago and 7 pairs or so later I'm about to jump into a new pair. The last few years I finally started running miles all the way through but I would go through a love and hate relationship with running. Usually the hate stages would outlast the love stages and by the time I start running again I would have do a bit of retraining.


I'm not going to bore anyone with the details of training for races. I never really had a plan or training guide to follow. I would just try to run. I'd run outside and see if I could run 30 minutes or so. I'd test myself on the treadmill. I just wanted to run 1 mile, 2 miles, 3 miles, etc. I found myself in a zone and it was definitely an escape. Finally, a FREE escape. Sometimes I was running because I felt I had to, sometimes I was running away from my problems, sometimes to get in a better mood and sometimes because my body said so.

I finally decided after much encouragement over the past year from my instructor at Lifetime Kate, avid marathoner, that I should run the Half Marathon in Columbus. There's a four letter word that is quite disabling and destructive: FEAR. I decided last year that 2010 I was going to run the Columbus Half Marathon in May and that's that. I didn't run 2009 half marathon because of fear & fat. Maybe I was ready and maybe I would have had to walk but who knows because I talked myself out of it.

New Years, of course, brings new resolutions and I started off with some new pounds gained and felt determined to try to loose as much as possible. I up'ed my workouts at the gym, sometimes to 3-4 hours a day. The gym became my second home and I made myself comfortable. Armed with a running book and newly gifted Brooks from my aunt I put my body and mind to the test. I ran and ran and ran and ran at the gym. Set goals and found myself accomplishing them. From 20 miles a week to 30 to oh crap I wanna see what 50 feels like! It felt good. Running was my therapy. Running was my time where I could shut the world out. No one could stop me or tell me I'm running too fast or too slow or criticize my stride. No one could even tell me I needed to stop. I always liked exploring trails so it's adventure to find them and run them.

I prepared for my test run and set out to run 11 miles straight about 2 weeks before the half marathon. It was one of the best runs in my life. I got to about mile 5.5 and the trail stopped and I just didn't know what to do. Sounds kinda stupid right? Hello? Turn around and keep running but I wanted to keep running straight ahead. Confused, I thought I had more to go but it was the end and all I could was turn around. I started thinking about how there's so much in life I don't have and haven't succeeded. Rejection and rejection and more rejection has created so much inner frustration and I just don't know what to do with it. I must have cried for about a mile. I felt like I could just release and leave some of it behind. My friend Nellie in advance agreed to help me finish out the last 3 miles so I met up with her and it was nice to have someone help me finish.

After self reassurance from my test run I decided I could run the half and I registered. That's it and there is no turning back. The night before I laid out everything like a kid before the first day of school and nervous like one, too. It didn't occur to me the magnitude of this life test until I was lined up at the start and it felt like the air had been sucked out off standing next to 8,000 people. I was uncomfortable and starting to freak out. I didn't have anyone to run with, no one to cheer me on and all of a sudden I just felt alone and scared. I didn't know what to do? Part of me wanted to kick my own ass for getting myself into this and I didn't know how to get out? Could I just leave? What to do? ARRRRGHHHH

What did I do? Well, out of thousands I recognized one person. I turned to my left and there was my pilates instructor Julie at the gym and instantly I felt reassured and calm! Next thing I knew I was running. I had my rhythm of my stride, my breaths were all in sync and I was running my first half marathon and then it started to rain. People I didn't know were cheering everyone on in the rain. There were DJ's set up with music. Volunteers were graciously handing out water. The scenery was soothing and the rain was cleansing. Then my back started hurting at mile two and I told myself absolutely not we can't do this because I got a long haul and I'm going to need you to get it together. Yes, I was a bit upset at myself for not loosing the extra weight I needed to but told my body please I need you now and will reward you later!

I ran to Ani, Dave, Sarah, U2, John Legend, Amy Whinehouse, Pitbull, Lil Wayne but it was mile 10 I needed help from my soul sisters Erykah Badu, Lauryn Hill, Aretha & Mary. I was my own coach and thought of all the times I couldn't run a mile. I knew if Oprah could do this and full marathon there is no reason why I cannot either. Money, status, job title, race do not matter on the trail to victory. I don't need to prove anything to anyone but myself.

"There are clubs you can't belong to, neighborhoods you can't live in, schools you can't get into, but the roads are always open." - Nike

At mile 11 it started to pour and I watched people being carried out. Static echoed in my headphones from the rain and I said nooo I need Mary and "No more Drama" right about now please and it played on. Mile 12 I turned to Eminem. The path narrowed and I picked up my pace. I was in the home stretch. I was confident passing the the 2:30 pacer. One of the few songs to take me to the next level on my runs, stairmaster, bike, whatever has always been "Lose yourself" and I knew one day it would be my victory song. My palms were sweaty, my knees weak but I ran. Feet fail me not 'cause maybe the only opportunity that I got and I'm seizing it. There's no looking back. I realized all this was all mine. I was running to the finish but it was only the beginning. No one could stop me. This is my success and no one could take it away.

2 hours and 25 minutes later I ran my first half marathon and went back and cheered others on. I finally tasted success.

"I have met my hero, and he is me." - George Sheehan














p.s. I just wanted to tell myself that I love you and I'm soo proud of you. Keep it up. There's something called a full marathon. Think about it.

:)

Fears & Frustration

So it's been a while. I thought I'd be blogging all the time but I've been holding back and over thinking how to write the best blogs for the fear of imperfection and what others think but there's a saying that goes, “Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.” The best way to get it out I've learned in writing class a long time ago is to just let the pen hit the paper or rather go hard on the keys.

So hold back no fears and there's plenty of tears so let is go and let it flow.

I've recovered from march madness of misery, pain, disappointment, resentment, hate...the stinging feeling of shock wears thin. But thank god for those who offered a silver lining in my dark cloud. I'm not sure what to call it all right now because I don't want to look back too much. Maybe, at a later time I'll revisit. I'm trying to look forward and stay focused but I keep tripping over fear. I'm confused what the hell I'm am meant to do with my life. I crave simplicity and stability, yet it seems the trend of 32 years is quite the opposite. Never has my life been simple or stable. I should be used to it.

I'm in this moment of unclarity I have no clue what is to happen next. I jump through clouds of illusions and bliss only to land back on rocky ground ill prepared and scared. My army test is Wednesday. I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm insane...I don't know. I just don't know. I'm more worried the scale says 162lbs and why am I here? All my insecurities and frustrations weigh heavier than 162lbs and I'm just...well I'm just pissed. How fuckin' hard do I have to work to get healthy? How many calories do I have to burn? How many miles do I have to run? How many more calories do I have to watch? Fuck. I'm exhausted. I'm angry. At myself and well I guess as stupid as it sounds...Fat.

Scratching my head...I'm starting to believe some are just born lucky and I missed out in that lottery. Sigh, I now see why Judy Garland popped pills knowing there might not be some place over the rainbow. Maybe I fear Hope or maybe I fear ME?

I'm in the state of procrastination because of fear. I sit here in fear of visiting a relative in a coma state because I remember the fear of death watching my aunt Niecy die as a child and never did I want to experience it again. I hate fear but know I have to put on armor of strength. I should be leaping through my life at this point. I watch in envy how others get married, have children, land great jobs, travel, do great shit and I'm still trying to find my own. I should be traveling the world and just being totally awesome but I'm stuck somewhere in the valley of fear and frustration.

Woods Therapy: Detox 101

(continued from Art of Relaxation: Retreating) 12/17/09

I woke up refreshed and eager to continue my mission of relaxation. However, I knew I needed to think some things through and start to clear my head. I started the day with a quick mile run, soaked in the hot tub for a few minutes, made coffee, showered, listened to my ipod, cleaned up, packed up my belongings and left the cute cabin.

The sun was shining and it was a bit chilly but did not deter my mission at all. I drove away heading to towards the metro park. I made the mistake of attempting at phone service and saw a few messages and voicemails come through but was unable to effective communicate. Oh well, I would have to return calls when my retreat was complete.

I started to enter the park and decided I would drive until I find a parking lot that had a few good trails.

The Art of RELAXATION: RETREATING

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under
trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water,
or watching the clouds float across the sky is by no means
a waste time." -J. Lubbuck






REST: Our bodies and mind depend on it. We seldom take advantage of it. We somehow thrive in a constant vicious cycle of work & life events. We have to schedule moments to ourselves. There is a very simple four letter word many of us do not utilize. I am a repeat offender believing that I can just go and do and be nonstop as if I’m almost a super human or machine. It's not until I get a little rusty and my magic red cape looks like the bad guys won.

Sometimes I drive and I have no clue where I’m going or that I’m even driving. I’m in constant autopilot and there are many of days when my life seems to be functioning in a constant circular motion. I’m exhausted, cranky, and unfocused. I’m sure we all get to this point every now and then.

However, I know I’m reaching a breaking point. Presently now and the past few years compounded into a mountain of trials of tribulations. Somehow at almost 32 I absolutely despise my life. Everything I’ve defined as success has not measured up. I am constantly stressed, depressed, miserable, fatigued, broke, struggling with my weight and not driven. My life seems to be in a depressing stagnant state and constantly affects just about every relationship with every single person. I’m sure most people find me to be the most miserable depressed person to be around and I’m quite sure I am. I’ve tried for the past month or so to avoid social gatherings and really focus on me. The two months spent back east with family created a sense of relief and a cocoon of comfort but I needed some serious mental & spiritual cleansing that I just could not accomplish in such a comfort zone. In addition comfort equated to comfort food and I packed on 13lbs. I decided to return back to Columbus November 7th clean out my storage unit, get back to lifetime fitness (my stability) and figure out the next step. I was still dumping over the fact I didn’t get the Reebok tour and was starting to hate the hustle and losing motivation as self employed in promotional marketing. I’ve tried to keep my schedule as free as possible and I really wanted my “ME” time at the gym or running. I was more than fortunate to have a place to stay at Anita’s (my oldest friend in Columbus) and we both just figured out the best ways to help each other and benefit.

REFOCUS: The main priority is me right now. That’s it. There are a few friends I’ve allowed in during this time of transcending. Sunday, I read the headlines at the grocery store and glanced to the cover of O. There is superpower Oprah smiling obnoxiously and writing how to be the best new you and love your life. All I can think is with a billion dollars I could buy me a new me and love my life. Or can I really? Sometimes I purposely pick the longest line in the grocery store and read the magazines. I couldn't fathom spending $3 for something I can read online anymore. I scan all the trashy gossip magazines. Headlining this week of course “All things Tiger.” I moved onto People, more Tiger and finally back to O magazine who now seems to be smiling at me. I skimmed to an article about a woman whose mission was to create a major spiritual & physical overhaul by overcoming a midlife crisis crippled with depression, debt, divorce, health issues and work related stress. She enrolled in a hot yoga program and while I didn’t read the continued story in the back I instantly became inspired and motivated to partake in my own spiritual & mental overhaul. I’ve been heavily concentrating on the physical overhaul and working my butt off at the gym but I know that all things are connected and I needed to get to the root of my many problems are interconnected and overlapping by stress.

I had to take a break. And not a break to the gym or just a walk in the park but a serious break from my so-called life. I need to clear my head because lately I feel as though I just cannot think. There’s really not a surplus in my bank account ready and waiting for a getaway via airplane. I definitely have zero money for any type of hot yoga or program with an “O” seal on it. I had to get creative. Whatever I decided to do I needed to invest my time and money wisely (especially since my week was filling up with work.) I was also pretty confident it would be cheaper than seeking out any mental health professional(speaking of which I wonder if I could possibly write any of this off my taxes?) I decided to find a cabin about 40 miles southeast of Columbus and just be myself. I hadn’t really taken a break someplace by myself. I decided that for 24 hours minimum I would create a stress free spiritual and physical retreat. My retreat would consist of a lovely cabin out in the woods. I researched an inexpensive brand new secluded cabin (courtesy of craigslist) equipped with a full size bed, kitchen and hot tub. I instantly picked up warm and positive vibes when I called to inquire and was so graciously helped by a man’s voice with a suddle rich twang who even offered me a discount. I made the reservation for the next day and decided I need not much and grabbed out my hiking trail maps, bagpack and magazines. Once the reservation was complete there was no changing of plans and anyway I couldn’t get my money back.

THE ART OF RETREATING IN 24 HOURS
Today, I packed up a small bag of clothes and Wednesday’s evening gym gear, some food destined for Hocking Hills.. As I left Columbus and the scenery transitioned into more rural view I started to instantly relax. A few times I caught myself driving almost 70 after bypassing quite a few police cars and had to remind myself I am in no hurry! Quick pit stop to walmart as I knew once I arrived I wasn’t going back into town. Much to my delight upon arrival I found the cutest cabin in the woods. As I entered I suddenly felt like a young excited child. I simply had to touch everything! There was a flat screen tv and movies and a brand new big comfy couch! Although I already came prepared with 3 dollar box movies I was delighted to have a selection of adult and children movies to select from as well. Everything was soo neat and comfy. A few waves of disappointment hit me as I was all alone in this ridiculously cute cabin and no one to share it with but I quickly let that pass as I settled nicely onto the big comfy couch.

I have about 24 hours NOT to follow a schedule. I do plan though to watch movies, eat dinner, drink hot cocco, soak in the hot tub, read through a years worth of magazines I’ve neglected and journal thoughts pushed to the back of my head. Tomorrow’s agenda will be an early morning run followed by an afternoon nature hike.

I am ALONE. I have no one to talk to. I have no one to listen to. I have no one to answer to. I have no emails. I have no internet. I have no phone reception. I have no text. There is no facebook. In fact I locked the phone in glovebox in the car. If a bear comes to get me so be it. I hope he enjoys me as a meal. I wonder if I would taste like chicken, lol. Everything will simply be put on hold for 24 hours. I’ve taken trips with friends and tried or somewhat relaxed but end up more frustrated and vice versa. There has to be the right place, time and chemistry for all parties to exist in a state of relaxation. There is no room for compromising right about now. I will and simply divulge in selfishness. All I need to do is focus on breathing and everything will become clearer.

RELAXATION: It’s been a few hours and I can breathe. I mean everyday yes we breathe because it’s simple and natural. But I constantly have anxiety lingering on my chest sometimes resulting in overwhelming sense of fear and panic. I’ve watched two movies so far. The first one was the Ugly Truth with Kathryn Heigel. A perfect comedy about relationships and balancing out your representative & being yourself during dating. I learned men definitely do not want to hear about your problems. Note taken! Next was Four Christmas’ with Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon. Another great pick for a comedy highlighting relationship issues and self discovery. After dinner and the first two movies I decided it was time for some water therapy.

RELATIONSHIPS: Water therapy aka “hot tub” was an instrumental part of this entire process. I’m naturally drawn to water and love anything water related so it was of utmost importance I had a hot tub outside to soak in under the stars in 30 degree weather. I hopped in yes butt naked with the exception of a small knit hat. Within minutes I started thinking about relationships as I gazed upon the starlit sky. I really needed to improve the relationship with myself before I could possibly develop a serious relationship with a man. Over and over again lately in my ear “what you put out there is what you attract” echoing over and over. And yes how true that the universe finds a way to balance the law of attraction.
So first and foremost, I truly needed to find my own inner balance before I could expect anyone to truly care and love me.

I return to the cozy couch and watch the last movie called "Julie & Julia." Another fabulous movie that had me emotionally enthralled and in tears. After spending an evening relaxed on the couch with endless swiss miss hot chocolate I called it a night and rested up for my run & hike the next day. All is peaceful and well. I have no fears, no stress and I'm more than ready to allow myself to be apart of the must needed process relaxation and retreating. It's been long overdue since I've had time to clear my head and begin to soothe my soul.