Sunday, April 25, 2010

Fears & Frustration

So it's been a while. I thought I'd be blogging all the time but I've been holding back and over thinking how to write the best blogs for the fear of imperfection and what others think but there's a saying that goes, “Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.” The best way to get it out I've learned in writing class a long time ago is to just let the pen hit the paper or rather go hard on the keys.

So hold back no fears and there's plenty of tears so let is go and let it flow.

I've recovered from march madness of misery, pain, disappointment, resentment, hate...the stinging feeling of shock wears thin. But thank god for those who offered a silver lining in my dark cloud. I'm not sure what to call it all right now because I don't want to look back too much. Maybe, at a later time I'll revisit. I'm trying to look forward and stay focused but I keep tripping over fear. I'm confused what the hell I'm am meant to do with my life. I crave simplicity and stability, yet it seems the trend of 32 years is quite the opposite. Never has my life been simple or stable. I should be used to it.

I'm in this moment of unclarity I have no clue what is to happen next. I jump through clouds of illusions and bliss only to land back on rocky ground ill prepared and scared. My army test is Wednesday. I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm insane...I don't know. I just don't know. I'm more worried the scale says 162lbs and why am I here? All my insecurities and frustrations weigh heavier than 162lbs and I'm just...well I'm just pissed. How fuckin' hard do I have to work to get healthy? How many calories do I have to burn? How many miles do I have to run? How many more calories do I have to watch? Fuck. I'm exhausted. I'm angry. At myself and well I guess as stupid as it sounds...Fat.

Scratching my head...I'm starting to believe some are just born lucky and I missed out in that lottery. Sigh, I now see why Judy Garland popped pills knowing there might not be some place over the rainbow. Maybe I fear Hope or maybe I fear ME?

I'm in the state of procrastination because of fear. I sit here in fear of visiting a relative in a coma state because I remember the fear of death watching my aunt Niecy die as a child and never did I want to experience it again. I hate fear but know I have to put on armor of strength. I should be leaping through my life at this point. I watch in envy how others get married, have children, land great jobs, travel, do great shit and I'm still trying to find my own. I should be traveling the world and just being totally awesome but I'm stuck somewhere in the valley of fear and frustration.